Surrender

I walked into church this morning and saw the Communion table set up in the front.  Immediately, I thought, "Oh, no.  Why is that there today?  I am so not ready for it today."  

For the first time since becoming a Christian, I truly felt my lack of worth (unworthiness?) at being offered a place at Jesus' table.

Let me be completely transparent here with you now, dear ones.  I spend a lot of time thinking of posts to write for my blog that will be encouraging, inspiring, uplifting, and humorous to you.  Posts that will draw you closer to the God who loves you so much.

But today?

Today I am the one needing encouragement.

Needing to be inspired.

Needing to be lifted up.

You see, I'm struggling.

I'm struggling to let go of me, and to surrender it all to Him. 

I have always been an independent gal who gets things done.  I have seen this as a good thing.  It has served me well as a military wife who is required to take care of everything during deployments.  Some might say I'm a control freak, and I might have, at one time, had a nickname of "In Charge Sarge."  Uh, yeah.  Whatever.  I prefer to see it as independent.  Only now, that independence has become a wall.  A wall between me and God.  And that, my friends, is not a good thing.

Let me be specific about my struggle.  My husband and I are (anxiously) awaiting his orders.  We are expecting to receive orders that will require us to move sometime this summer.  We are looking forward to that.  Sort of.

Where the struggle comes in is when I think of the house we currently own and live in.   This house has been the proverbial monkey on my back.  From the beginning of it's inception, this house has been a nightmare.  We did not seek God's will when deciding to sell our perfectly fine house and build a bigger house.  We did not look at what could happen financially, only looking at the best case scenario.  Of course we didn't plan for the bottom out in the real estate market, either.  These things all set us up to have a house larger than we need, that is waaaaaaay out of our means, and that has cost us piles and piles of money.  And heartache.  And tears.  Oh, and did I mention piles of money?  (Cha-ching, cha-ching)

But, there has been blessing in this house too.   Had we not built this house, our finances wouldn't have become so painful that we sought another way to handle our (God's) money.  We went through Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University at our church and have consistently followed that plan for about 18 months.   We see a light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to our finances.

However, we still own this house, which is a HUGE money black hole.  And we're expecting orders.  And we can't afford to rent this house (for only part of what we pay for our mortgage) and keep up it's insurances and then go rent something wherever our orders send us.  I just want to be done with this house now, now, now!!!  AAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!  (That was a little GHM tantrum, in case you wondered!)

We have listed the house.  According to our realtor, we have it priced well.  I have kept it clean, kept the yard looking nice, staged it for showings, minimized the "stuff" inside, put away personal pictures, etc. etc. etc.  We have done everything in our power to get this house sold.  I don't know what else to do.  (This is where panic and anxiety start feeding until it just becomes a big 'ole monster.)

I told MotorMan that I am so tired of worrying about getting this house sold and about money.  I told him that I know I need to surrender this house and our future to God.

Let me say that again... I know I need to surrender this house and our future to God.

I know... I know... I know...

But I don't feel it in my heart.  My head knows, but my heart doesn't. 

My heart is asking, "How do I do that?"

How?  How?  How?

Dear ones, God is so good.  His timing is perfect.

Here is what arrived in my inbox this morning while I was at church (accident or coincidence?  I think not...)

Surrender:  let go and let God work  by Rick Warren

Surrender  yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for him. Psalm 37:7 (GW)

Surrendering your life means -

• Following God's lead without knowing where he's sending you;

• Waiting for God's timing without knowing when it will come;

• Expecting a miracle without knowing how God will provide;

• Trusting God's purpose without understanding the circumstances.

You know you're surrendered to God when you rely on God to work things out instead of trying to manipulate others, force your agenda, and control the situation. You let go and let God work. You don't have to always be "in charge." Instead of trying harder, you trust more.

Whew!!  Was that written for me, or what?  I still tear up each time I read it.  Seriously?  If God had sent me Moses' burning bush, it wouldn't have been any more clear!  Like I said:  God is good and His timing is perfect.

So my intent with this post is twofold:  I ask you, my friends,  to pray for me.  Lift me up as I strive to surrender to God.  Of course that means relying on Him instead of myself.  But, that's a good thing.
Secondly, I pray that if you find some similarity with my struggle and if you have something you are struggling to surrender to God, that you might find solace and truth here.  That you might take that truth and hide it in your heart so that you, too, can learn to surrender all to God.  What I know is that God's timing and His plan are perfect. 

Oh, and about communion this morning?  That wasn't an accident or a coincidence either.  God knew I needed to be reminded that His body was broken and His blood shed for me.  

And if He gave it all for me, then I can do nothing less.

"All to thee, my blessed Savior, I surrender all..."