We're on the countdown for our next deployment. I say "our" because the each member of the family is deeply impacted due to one member's absence. I can't explain all the things that go on in my head, my heart, and my household as we prepare for another long separation.
First is overwhelm. I now have to tend to three people BY MY SELF, keep the house tidy and ready for possible buyers BY MY SELF, mow the yard, cook all the meals, do the laundry, clean, take care of three people BY MY SELF. This isn't new. I know these feelings are "normal." But they still frustrate me. This ain't my first deployment. But, God willing, it will be our last.
Then comes the anxiety. WHERE is he going???? Will he be coming safely home? Why am I worrying about this since it's out of my hands?
I feel myself pulling away from my husband. I hate that. It's almost as if it's uncontrollable. I begin to hate the very job that brings him joy, and us a paycheck. I am proud of him and the job he does, don't get me wrong. But I want my husband here. All the time.
This time, the kids get it. That makes it that much harder. Explaining why Daddy has to be gone is hard. I can't even console them with the old stand by, "He'll be home soon." No, he won't. It's a long, long time when you're a kid. Heck, it's a long, long time when you're a grown woman.
Oh, I love my family. I realize it is a true blessing that I am so in love with my husband and my family that I hate to be apart. I guess that's what makes it even harder to see him leave. Knowing what I have and that I don't want that to change. I've never been much good at change that I didn't instigate or plan myself.
One thing has been consistent for me in this anxious time: God. I hear his quiet voice reminding me I am not alone. That he has plans for me. That I don't need all the answers and that I don't know all the answers. That's His job. Thank God for God. Knowing He's there to watch over me, my husband, and our children is a blanket of comfort I'll roll up in and keep close for the upcoming months. Thanks, God for cuddling me. Thank you for holding my hand, for listening to my fears, for drying my tears.
I can do this. I can.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
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You can do it, Annie. I feel for you with all the deployments you have gone through. You are one of the strongest women I know. You are a wonderful wife and mother and whenever I need advice or direction I always look to you first because you are so strong.
ReplyDeleteI feel ya woman! My hubby will be home soon and your's will be leaving. It sure doesn't get easier. I appreciate this blog entry and the way you explained it all. And yes we are blessed that we love our husbands, our children, our family so much that we want to keep it together. Some woman can't wait for deployments. Everything you said hits so close to home. I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way. Hang in there! Hope to see you soon. I have a certain little girls birthday present still in my car! Maybe I could drop it off one day? I know I am horrid! Bad bad!
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